The Wait is Almost Over: Feeling Negative

So tomorrow is the big day. I go in for my beta blood test bright and early.

It has been 16dpiui and I got a BFN on FRER (first response HPT) this morning. Not feeling very optimistic right now. I immediately logged on my computer and started googling "Negative HPT, positive beta after IUI??!". Some responses were encouraging, but I feel like I'm just grasping at straws right now. I'm definitely preparing myself for a negative beta tomorrow.

The worst thing about this experience is the inability to completely share what I'm going through with anyone. I tried to share with my husband this morning and his response to my negative HPT was "oh no." in a rather sarcastic tone. Then he proceeded to login to his computer to work. That was it. When I told him that was insensitive, he said "what?". When I repeated his response, he said NOTHING and just walked away. I went into the bathroom and cried. Are men really that OBTUSE?! I don't get it. I guess they will never understand a woman's undying desire to be a mom. And the torture and agony that comes with every reminder that you may never live out that dream.

I guess I will continue this journey alone.

On another note: I swear I've been feeling pregnant... but that might just be wishful thinking. Found myself on the verge of tears for NO REASON the other day. Could be side effect of the progesterone though. I just so desperately want a positive tomorrow. Mother-in-law texted me that she bought two extra grandchild stockings for next Christmas "just in case....", so that puts the pressure on as well. I know she didn't mean to... has no idea what we're going through... but she's now suspicious due to my lack of drinking over the holidays. I would give anything to give her another grandchild (or two!) by this time next year, but seems like this dream will have to be put off for another month.

So I'm prepared. Prepared for disappointment. Prepared for more meds, more injections, more unfortunate side effects. Prepared for more internalized sorrow and never ending "what if?!" thoughts that occupy most of my days and nights. Prepared for a negative, but still hoping (only if it's just a glimmer) for a positive.

FC and lots of prayers tonight.