"Sometimes the things we can't change, end up changing us"...
Brain is still on overdrive after my last post. Stewing over the quote above. I can't help but wonder, is this experience changing me for the better... or the worst?
A year and a half ago I was happy. I had just gotten married to the love of my life and we were going to start trying to have a baby... what could be better?! Back then I was happy when people announced their pregnancies. Back then I was excited, thinking "soon enough, that'll be me!".
Now... well now I'm different, and I'm not so sure it's for the better.
Sure, this experience has strengthened my relationship with my husband. Sometimes it's tested it, but ultimately, strengthened it. We are closer, we are stronger, we can face adversity, dammit! But... I have found there is a very dark side to infertility. One that I'm struggling to overcome.
Just the other week, my friend who has been trying to have a baby, my friend who has scar tissue from an operation and was unlikely to conceive, my friend who knows my struggles - told us she was, SURPRISE, pregnant. I froze. Not out of happiness... oh no. Out of pure, unadulterated jealousy. And I was scared. Scared of what I was becoming. Scared of the evil thoughts that surfaced in my head. I wanted to cry and scream and yell that it's not fair. Yell that I'm more deserving, that i'm in a more stable relationship, that I had been trying and hoping and praying much longer!!! But I didn't. I said congratulations. And then I prayed for forgiveness.
Last week the same friend delivered some terrible news: she lost the baby. I was speechless. I felt horrible. So guilty. So completely awful. I had thought such horrible thoughts, and then this. I never wanted this to happen. Now all I can do is be there for her. Support her in her time of need. Be completely unselfish to make up for my less than exuberant response to her pregnancy.
But why. Why am I so bitter? So mean? Especially to a friend who I love dearly!!!
It's a struggle every day.
Today a woman next to me getting coffee emptied her cup in the sink and cheerfully exclaimed, "Oops, I forgot, I need decaf now!", as she looked down at her tummy. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Fought the urge to be jealous. So I just smiled and said congratulations. Agony.
These people getting pregnant left and right. Some unplanned and unwanted. Some who just got married. Some after ONE... ONE SINGLE TIME... of having sex without birth control. (Can that really even happen?!?! It seems like a myth after what we've been through.) My sister-in-law who is on baby number THREE and who is only a couple years older than me. Who seems to simply think about being pregnant, and then, TA-DA, she is.
I have to stop. Stop stewing. Stop being jealous of other people's happiness. I must fight this negativity. This bitterness. These nasty thoughts bubbling way too close to the surface. I must make this experience affect me in a positive way. I must grow to be stronger, more loving, more understanding. I can't let this disease win.
I must and will change for the better.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
My Journey Begins
"This too shall pass"...
I'm slowly driving myself insane. My journey through infertility has been a short one so far (comparatively anyway), but the grieving, worrying, and waiting has seemed much longer. I'm creating this blog as a form of therapy; to get all my thoughts that are swimming around in my head, onto "paper" and out in the open. The outcome, I hope, will be less stress and a more organized thought pattern.
Background:
I had a feeling, every since I was about 12 years old, that I would struggle with fertility. When expressing this to friends and family, they called me crazy and pessimistic... but i just KNEW. Unfortunately, I was right.
My husband and I got married in May of 2014, and immediately started trying to conceive. I didn't change anything about my lifestyle, we just went into it saying "if it happens, it happens!". How I wish I could go back to those days of hopeful, naive, bliss. Turns out, things didn't "just happen" for us. After more than a year of many failed attempts and even more negative pregnancy tests, we turned to a specialist.
I am extremely lucky to have a coworker who is very outspoken about their own infertility issues. Through him and his wife, we found a great doctor! They currently have 2 precious little girls through IVF. We went in with high hopes. Through much poking and prodding, we had the diagnosis: PCOS. Turns out I have MANY (almost double the usual) follicles, but none which are maturing and releasing an egg. The good news: my husband has an unusually high number of sperm, all of which are highly mobile.
Current Treatment: IUI
Started out taking clomid (orally) during the beginning of my cycle. Follicles were maturing nicely, and on 12/16/15, I administered (very nervously) the trigger shot. A couple days later, I went in for my IUI. The doctor was EXTREMELY happy with my husband's sperm sample: nearly 81 MILLION (10 million is a good sample according to him) sperm to work with.
It was absolutely amazing to be able to see the sperm injected into my uterus. My (hopefully) future child(ren) was/were about to be created, and I saw it!! Little did I know, I hadn't even BEGUN to go through the hard part.
The waiting, waiting, waiting ,waiting...:
My husband and I have been acting like I'm already pregnant, even though we aren't sure yet. No fish, sushi, alcohol, and minimal caffeine (coffee addict). The worst thing about this is, a negative result (or a big fat negative, BFN, as the infertility community refers to it), is going to make my world coming crashing down. I'm trying to stay grounded - hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.
Today is 12dpIUI (12 days post IUI). I've been obsessing over blogposts and forums where women have posted their postive (BFP) test results after only 11 or 12dpIUI. I couldn't take the waiting any longer, so I took a HPT (home preg test) this morning. BFN. Disappointing, but not the end of the world. My beta blood test is scheduled for Monday, Jan 4th, and there is a reason - many HPTs cannot pick up the level of preg hormones this soon. So I'm still staying optimistic, but prepared for a negative result now.
I will be devastated with a (now expected) negative result on Monday, but I have to keep in mind that this is only my FIRST IUI. Many women have had 2 or 3 failures. I can't get discouraged after only one. And maybe we're due a couple of failures. Maybe it's not supposed to be a "one and done" for us. But, God willing, I hope, pray, that it is.
It's in your hands now, God. We will get through this. We will be successful in one way or another. Just have to keep plugging along.
I'm slowly driving myself insane. My journey through infertility has been a short one so far (comparatively anyway), but the grieving, worrying, and waiting has seemed much longer. I'm creating this blog as a form of therapy; to get all my thoughts that are swimming around in my head, onto "paper" and out in the open. The outcome, I hope, will be less stress and a more organized thought pattern.
Background:
I had a feeling, every since I was about 12 years old, that I would struggle with fertility. When expressing this to friends and family, they called me crazy and pessimistic... but i just KNEW. Unfortunately, I was right.
My husband and I got married in May of 2014, and immediately started trying to conceive. I didn't change anything about my lifestyle, we just went into it saying "if it happens, it happens!". How I wish I could go back to those days of hopeful, naive, bliss. Turns out, things didn't "just happen" for us. After more than a year of many failed attempts and even more negative pregnancy tests, we turned to a specialist.
I am extremely lucky to have a coworker who is very outspoken about their own infertility issues. Through him and his wife, we found a great doctor! They currently have 2 precious little girls through IVF. We went in with high hopes. Through much poking and prodding, we had the diagnosis: PCOS. Turns out I have MANY (almost double the usual) follicles, but none which are maturing and releasing an egg. The good news: my husband has an unusually high number of sperm, all of which are highly mobile.
Current Treatment: IUI
Started out taking clomid (orally) during the beginning of my cycle. Follicles were maturing nicely, and on 12/16/15, I administered (very nervously) the trigger shot. A couple days later, I went in for my IUI. The doctor was EXTREMELY happy with my husband's sperm sample: nearly 81 MILLION (10 million is a good sample according to him) sperm to work with.
It was absolutely amazing to be able to see the sperm injected into my uterus. My (hopefully) future child(ren) was/were about to be created, and I saw it!! Little did I know, I hadn't even BEGUN to go through the hard part.
The waiting, waiting, waiting ,waiting...:
My husband and I have been acting like I'm already pregnant, even though we aren't sure yet. No fish, sushi, alcohol, and minimal caffeine (coffee addict). The worst thing about this is, a negative result (or a big fat negative, BFN, as the infertility community refers to it), is going to make my world coming crashing down. I'm trying to stay grounded - hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.
Today is 12dpIUI (12 days post IUI). I've been obsessing over blogposts and forums where women have posted their postive (BFP) test results after only 11 or 12dpIUI. I couldn't take the waiting any longer, so I took a HPT (home preg test) this morning. BFN. Disappointing, but not the end of the world. My beta blood test is scheduled for Monday, Jan 4th, and there is a reason - many HPTs cannot pick up the level of preg hormones this soon. So I'm still staying optimistic, but prepared for a negative result now.
I will be devastated with a (now expected) negative result on Monday, but I have to keep in mind that this is only my FIRST IUI. Many women have had 2 or 3 failures. I can't get discouraged after only one. And maybe we're due a couple of failures. Maybe it's not supposed to be a "one and done" for us. But, God willing, I hope, pray, that it is.
It's in your hands now, God. We will get through this. We will be successful in one way or another. Just have to keep plugging along.
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