Confession

"Sometimes the things we can't change, end up changing us"...

Brain is still on overdrive after my last post. Stewing over the quote above. I can't help but wonder, is this experience changing me for the better... or the worst?

A year and a half ago I was happy. I had just gotten married to the love of my life and we were going to start trying to have a baby... what could be better?! Back then I was happy when people announced their pregnancies. Back then I was excited, thinking "soon enough, that'll be me!".

Now... well now I'm different, and I'm not so sure it's for the better.

Sure, this experience has strengthened my relationship with my husband. Sometimes it's tested it, but ultimately, strengthened it. We are closer, we are stronger, we can face adversity, dammit! But... I have found there is a very dark side to infertility. One that I'm struggling to overcome.

Just the other week, my friend who has been trying to have a baby, my friend who has scar tissue from an operation and was unlikely to conceive, my friend who knows my struggles - told us she was, SURPRISE, pregnant. I froze. Not out of happiness... oh no. Out of pure, unadulterated jealousy. And I was scared. Scared of what I was becoming. Scared of the evil thoughts that surfaced in my head. I wanted to cry and scream and yell that it's not fair. Yell that I'm more deserving, that i'm in a more stable relationship, that I had been trying and hoping and praying much longer!!! But I didn't. I said congratulations. And then I prayed for forgiveness.

Last week the same friend delivered some terrible news: she lost the baby. I was speechless. I felt horrible. So guilty. So completely awful. I had thought such horrible thoughts, and then this. I never wanted this to happen. Now all I can do is be there for her. Support her in her time of need. Be completely unselfish to make up for my less than exuberant response to her pregnancy.

But why. Why am I so bitter? So mean? Especially to a friend who I love dearly!!!

 It's a struggle every day.

Today a woman next to me getting coffee emptied her cup in the sink and cheerfully exclaimed, "Oops, I forgot, I need decaf now!", as she looked down at her tummy. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Fought the urge to be jealous. So I just smiled and said congratulations. Agony.

These people getting pregnant left and right. Some unplanned and unwanted. Some who just got married. Some after ONE... ONE SINGLE TIME... of having sex without birth control. (Can that really even happen?!?! It seems like a myth after what we've been through.) My sister-in-law who is on baby number THREE and who is only a couple years older than me. Who seems to simply think about being pregnant, and then, TA-DA, she is.

I have to stop. Stop stewing. Stop being jealous of other people's happiness. I must fight this negativity. This bitterness. These nasty thoughts bubbling way too close to the surface. I must make this experience affect me in a positive way. I must grow to be stronger, more loving, more understanding. I can't let this disease win.

I must and will change for the better.