Okay, so the first IUI didn't take - I'm over it.
This SECOND cycle has got me very excited for a couple reasons:
1) Now that they have gotten to know my body's timing during the 1st IUI, they were able to pin point PERFECTLY when my follicle(s) would be mature and ready to trigger.
2) During my last ultrasound appointment, things looked way different than the first go around. My lining was much thicker and my right ovary showed a HUGE, mature follicle (I think they measured at 21 or 23mm) with another pretty big one as well (18mm). Left ovary was quiet, which is good - not sure I want THREE eggs floating around! They had me trigger that night (never fun) and scheduled my IUI for the morning after next.
3) IUI day: lining still looks fantastically thick, but SURPRISE - my big follicle had collapsed, ensuring that I had actually ovulated this time (last time my follicles were still big and round and I was nervous I didn't actually ovulate). The 18mm was still there, but doc suspects that one will release an egg as well - prob in the next few hours.
4) Sperm count was high once again. My husband is so great. I mean that in all sincerity. We are so blessed (cliche, I know) that he is in tip top fertility shape!!
Husband says he doesn't want to get his hopes up, but that he said a prayer this morning. I loved that. Makes me happy to know he wants this as bad as I do, but sometimes just has trouble expressing it. The whole macho male thing... *sigh*.
Anyway, now I'm back to feverishly researching and reading blogs - like I'm going to learn something I already don't know. Most of the links in my search results are that already-looked-at-purple color. I'm just so excited and want so badly for this to be it.
I think I'm going to take a different approach this time. Instead of acting like I'm pregnant and emotionally beating myself up, I'm going to act like all is normal! Nothing different here! Well, I will cut down on drinks - but other than that, I am completely normal! Hopefully that will cut down on some stress and make this 2ww seem a lot shorter.
Fingers crossed and lots of prayers!!
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Test Results - No Surprises, Unfortunately
As expected, my test came back negative. So we will start this whole thing over again soon. Upside: I can stop taking that nasty progesterone. Downside: another month of hoping, praying, and waiting.
I'm sad, but honestly I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. It's comforting to at least KNOW. Now I can prepare myself for another go instead of clinging onto false hope. C has been very supportive as well. We got the call during lunch on Monday, so it was nice that we heard the news together and got to talk it out. I've learned that his way of dealing with this stuff is just different than mine, and that he does care about the outcome even though on the outside it may not seem so. Funny how men and women can be so different.
I finally talked to my work bff about everything. Didn't go into details, but told her we've been getting treatment and that I tested negative this month. She's pregnant with her second, but unlike a lot of other posts I've been reading, I don't try to avoid her or get sad when I see her. That's selfish and unfair to her! I think I've learned my lesson on jealousy. It was really great to talk to her though, because unlike my other friends, she is interested in kids and talking about the process. Some of my other friends can't relate to what I'm going through because they are just at completely different points in their lives. Nothing is wrong with that... it's just nice to finally talk to someone who can somewhat relate.
Anyway - we are taking the next step in our journey. I'm trying to stay positive and not think about what happens if we keep getting negatives. Honestly, I don't know what we would do if we had to move to IVF. There are just so many moral ambiguities. Also not sure if I could put myself through the stress either. BUT... like I just mentioned... trying to not jump too far ahead of myself.
One day at a time. Focusing on the fact that I am doing everything in my power to overcome infertility... and right now, that's all I can do!
I'm sad, but honestly I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. It's comforting to at least KNOW. Now I can prepare myself for another go instead of clinging onto false hope. C has been very supportive as well. We got the call during lunch on Monday, so it was nice that we heard the news together and got to talk it out. I've learned that his way of dealing with this stuff is just different than mine, and that he does care about the outcome even though on the outside it may not seem so. Funny how men and women can be so different.
I finally talked to my work bff about everything. Didn't go into details, but told her we've been getting treatment and that I tested negative this month. She's pregnant with her second, but unlike a lot of other posts I've been reading, I don't try to avoid her or get sad when I see her. That's selfish and unfair to her! I think I've learned my lesson on jealousy. It was really great to talk to her though, because unlike my other friends, she is interested in kids and talking about the process. Some of my other friends can't relate to what I'm going through because they are just at completely different points in their lives. Nothing is wrong with that... it's just nice to finally talk to someone who can somewhat relate.
Anyway - we are taking the next step in our journey. I'm trying to stay positive and not think about what happens if we keep getting negatives. Honestly, I don't know what we would do if we had to move to IVF. There are just so many moral ambiguities. Also not sure if I could put myself through the stress either. BUT... like I just mentioned... trying to not jump too far ahead of myself.
One day at a time. Focusing on the fact that I am doing everything in my power to overcome infertility... and right now, that's all I can do!
Sunday, January 3, 2016
The Wait is Almost Over: Feeling Negative
So tomorrow is the big day. I go in for my beta blood test bright and early.
It has been 16dpiui and I got a BFN on FRER (first response HPT) this morning. Not feeling very optimistic right now. I immediately logged on my computer and started googling "Negative HPT, positive beta after IUI??!". Some responses were encouraging, but I feel like I'm just grasping at straws right now. I'm definitely preparing myself for a negative beta tomorrow.
The worst thing about this experience is the inability to completely share what I'm going through with anyone. I tried to share with my husband this morning and his response to my negative HPT was "oh no." in a rather sarcastic tone. Then he proceeded to login to his computer to work. That was it. When I told him that was insensitive, he said "what?". When I repeated his response, he said NOTHING and just walked away. I went into the bathroom and cried. Are men really that OBTUSE?! I don't get it. I guess they will never understand a woman's undying desire to be a mom. And the torture and agony that comes with every reminder that you may never live out that dream.
I guess I will continue this journey alone.
On another note: I swear I've been feeling pregnant... but that might just be wishful thinking. Found myself on the verge of tears for NO REASON the other day. Could be side effect of the progesterone though. I just so desperately want a positive tomorrow. Mother-in-law texted me that she bought two extra grandchild stockings for next Christmas "just in case....", so that puts the pressure on as well. I know she didn't mean to... has no idea what we're going through... but she's now suspicious due to my lack of drinking over the holidays. I would give anything to give her another grandchild (or two!) by this time next year, but seems like this dream will have to be put off for another month.
So I'm prepared. Prepared for disappointment. Prepared for more meds, more injections, more unfortunate side effects. Prepared for more internalized sorrow and never ending "what if?!" thoughts that occupy most of my days and nights. Prepared for a negative, but still hoping (only if it's just a glimmer) for a positive.
FC and lots of prayers tonight.
It has been 16dpiui and I got a BFN on FRER (first response HPT) this morning. Not feeling very optimistic right now. I immediately logged on my computer and started googling "Negative HPT, positive beta after IUI??!". Some responses were encouraging, but I feel like I'm just grasping at straws right now. I'm definitely preparing myself for a negative beta tomorrow.
The worst thing about this experience is the inability to completely share what I'm going through with anyone. I tried to share with my husband this morning and his response to my negative HPT was "oh no." in a rather sarcastic tone. Then he proceeded to login to his computer to work. That was it. When I told him that was insensitive, he said "what?". When I repeated his response, he said NOTHING and just walked away. I went into the bathroom and cried. Are men really that OBTUSE?! I don't get it. I guess they will never understand a woman's undying desire to be a mom. And the torture and agony that comes with every reminder that you may never live out that dream.
I guess I will continue this journey alone.
On another note: I swear I've been feeling pregnant... but that might just be wishful thinking. Found myself on the verge of tears for NO REASON the other day. Could be side effect of the progesterone though. I just so desperately want a positive tomorrow. Mother-in-law texted me that she bought two extra grandchild stockings for next Christmas "just in case....", so that puts the pressure on as well. I know she didn't mean to... has no idea what we're going through... but she's now suspicious due to my lack of drinking over the holidays. I would give anything to give her another grandchild (or two!) by this time next year, but seems like this dream will have to be put off for another month.
So I'm prepared. Prepared for disappointment. Prepared for more meds, more injections, more unfortunate side effects. Prepared for more internalized sorrow and never ending "what if?!" thoughts that occupy most of my days and nights. Prepared for a negative, but still hoping (only if it's just a glimmer) for a positive.
FC and lots of prayers tonight.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Confession
"Sometimes the things we can't change, end up changing us"...
Brain is still on overdrive after my last post. Stewing over the quote above. I can't help but wonder, is this experience changing me for the better... or the worst?
A year and a half ago I was happy. I had just gotten married to the love of my life and we were going to start trying to have a baby... what could be better?! Back then I was happy when people announced their pregnancies. Back then I was excited, thinking "soon enough, that'll be me!".
Now... well now I'm different, and I'm not so sure it's for the better.
Sure, this experience has strengthened my relationship with my husband. Sometimes it's tested it, but ultimately, strengthened it. We are closer, we are stronger, we can face adversity, dammit! But... I have found there is a very dark side to infertility. One that I'm struggling to overcome.
Just the other week, my friend who has been trying to have a baby, my friend who has scar tissue from an operation and was unlikely to conceive, my friend who knows my struggles - told us she was, SURPRISE, pregnant. I froze. Not out of happiness... oh no. Out of pure, unadulterated jealousy. And I was scared. Scared of what I was becoming. Scared of the evil thoughts that surfaced in my head. I wanted to cry and scream and yell that it's not fair. Yell that I'm more deserving, that i'm in a more stable relationship, that I had been trying and hoping and praying much longer!!! But I didn't. I said congratulations. And then I prayed for forgiveness.
Last week the same friend delivered some terrible news: she lost the baby. I was speechless. I felt horrible. So guilty. So completely awful. I had thought such horrible thoughts, and then this. I never wanted this to happen. Now all I can do is be there for her. Support her in her time of need. Be completely unselfish to make up for my less than exuberant response to her pregnancy.
But why. Why am I so bitter? So mean? Especially to a friend who I love dearly!!!
It's a struggle every day.
Today a woman next to me getting coffee emptied her cup in the sink and cheerfully exclaimed, "Oops, I forgot, I need decaf now!", as she looked down at her tummy. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Fought the urge to be jealous. So I just smiled and said congratulations. Agony.
These people getting pregnant left and right. Some unplanned and unwanted. Some who just got married. Some after ONE... ONE SINGLE TIME... of having sex without birth control. (Can that really even happen?!?! It seems like a myth after what we've been through.) My sister-in-law who is on baby number THREE and who is only a couple years older than me. Who seems to simply think about being pregnant, and then, TA-DA, she is.
I have to stop. Stop stewing. Stop being jealous of other people's happiness. I must fight this negativity. This bitterness. These nasty thoughts bubbling way too close to the surface. I must make this experience affect me in a positive way. I must grow to be stronger, more loving, more understanding. I can't let this disease win.
I must and will change for the better.
Brain is still on overdrive after my last post. Stewing over the quote above. I can't help but wonder, is this experience changing me for the better... or the worst?
A year and a half ago I was happy. I had just gotten married to the love of my life and we were going to start trying to have a baby... what could be better?! Back then I was happy when people announced their pregnancies. Back then I was excited, thinking "soon enough, that'll be me!".
Now... well now I'm different, and I'm not so sure it's for the better.
Sure, this experience has strengthened my relationship with my husband. Sometimes it's tested it, but ultimately, strengthened it. We are closer, we are stronger, we can face adversity, dammit! But... I have found there is a very dark side to infertility. One that I'm struggling to overcome.
Just the other week, my friend who has been trying to have a baby, my friend who has scar tissue from an operation and was unlikely to conceive, my friend who knows my struggles - told us she was, SURPRISE, pregnant. I froze. Not out of happiness... oh no. Out of pure, unadulterated jealousy. And I was scared. Scared of what I was becoming. Scared of the evil thoughts that surfaced in my head. I wanted to cry and scream and yell that it's not fair. Yell that I'm more deserving, that i'm in a more stable relationship, that I had been trying and hoping and praying much longer!!! But I didn't. I said congratulations. And then I prayed for forgiveness.
Last week the same friend delivered some terrible news: she lost the baby. I was speechless. I felt horrible. So guilty. So completely awful. I had thought such horrible thoughts, and then this. I never wanted this to happen. Now all I can do is be there for her. Support her in her time of need. Be completely unselfish to make up for my less than exuberant response to her pregnancy.
But why. Why am I so bitter? So mean? Especially to a friend who I love dearly!!!
It's a struggle every day.
Today a woman next to me getting coffee emptied her cup in the sink and cheerfully exclaimed, "Oops, I forgot, I need decaf now!", as she looked down at her tummy. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Fought the urge to be jealous. So I just smiled and said congratulations. Agony.
These people getting pregnant left and right. Some unplanned and unwanted. Some who just got married. Some after ONE... ONE SINGLE TIME... of having sex without birth control. (Can that really even happen?!?! It seems like a myth after what we've been through.) My sister-in-law who is on baby number THREE and who is only a couple years older than me. Who seems to simply think about being pregnant, and then, TA-DA, she is.
I have to stop. Stop stewing. Stop being jealous of other people's happiness. I must fight this negativity. This bitterness. These nasty thoughts bubbling way too close to the surface. I must make this experience affect me in a positive way. I must grow to be stronger, more loving, more understanding. I can't let this disease win.
I must and will change for the better.
My Journey Begins
"This too shall pass"...
I'm slowly driving myself insane. My journey through infertility has been a short one so far (comparatively anyway), but the grieving, worrying, and waiting has seemed much longer. I'm creating this blog as a form of therapy; to get all my thoughts that are swimming around in my head, onto "paper" and out in the open. The outcome, I hope, will be less stress and a more organized thought pattern.
Background:
I had a feeling, every since I was about 12 years old, that I would struggle with fertility. When expressing this to friends and family, they called me crazy and pessimistic... but i just KNEW. Unfortunately, I was right.
My husband and I got married in May of 2014, and immediately started trying to conceive. I didn't change anything about my lifestyle, we just went into it saying "if it happens, it happens!". How I wish I could go back to those days of hopeful, naive, bliss. Turns out, things didn't "just happen" for us. After more than a year of many failed attempts and even more negative pregnancy tests, we turned to a specialist.
I am extremely lucky to have a coworker who is very outspoken about their own infertility issues. Through him and his wife, we found a great doctor! They currently have 2 precious little girls through IVF. We went in with high hopes. Through much poking and prodding, we had the diagnosis: PCOS. Turns out I have MANY (almost double the usual) follicles, but none which are maturing and releasing an egg. The good news: my husband has an unusually high number of sperm, all of which are highly mobile.
Current Treatment: IUI
Started out taking clomid (orally) during the beginning of my cycle. Follicles were maturing nicely, and on 12/16/15, I administered (very nervously) the trigger shot. A couple days later, I went in for my IUI. The doctor was EXTREMELY happy with my husband's sperm sample: nearly 81 MILLION (10 million is a good sample according to him) sperm to work with.
It was absolutely amazing to be able to see the sperm injected into my uterus. My (hopefully) future child(ren) was/were about to be created, and I saw it!! Little did I know, I hadn't even BEGUN to go through the hard part.
The waiting, waiting, waiting ,waiting...:
My husband and I have been acting like I'm already pregnant, even though we aren't sure yet. No fish, sushi, alcohol, and minimal caffeine (coffee addict). The worst thing about this is, a negative result (or a big fat negative, BFN, as the infertility community refers to it), is going to make my world coming crashing down. I'm trying to stay grounded - hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.
Today is 12dpIUI (12 days post IUI). I've been obsessing over blogposts and forums where women have posted their postive (BFP) test results after only 11 or 12dpIUI. I couldn't take the waiting any longer, so I took a HPT (home preg test) this morning. BFN. Disappointing, but not the end of the world. My beta blood test is scheduled for Monday, Jan 4th, and there is a reason - many HPTs cannot pick up the level of preg hormones this soon. So I'm still staying optimistic, but prepared for a negative result now.
I will be devastated with a (now expected) negative result on Monday, but I have to keep in mind that this is only my FIRST IUI. Many women have had 2 or 3 failures. I can't get discouraged after only one. And maybe we're due a couple of failures. Maybe it's not supposed to be a "one and done" for us. But, God willing, I hope, pray, that it is.
It's in your hands now, God. We will get through this. We will be successful in one way or another. Just have to keep plugging along.
I'm slowly driving myself insane. My journey through infertility has been a short one so far (comparatively anyway), but the grieving, worrying, and waiting has seemed much longer. I'm creating this blog as a form of therapy; to get all my thoughts that are swimming around in my head, onto "paper" and out in the open. The outcome, I hope, will be less stress and a more organized thought pattern.
Background:
I had a feeling, every since I was about 12 years old, that I would struggle with fertility. When expressing this to friends and family, they called me crazy and pessimistic... but i just KNEW. Unfortunately, I was right.
My husband and I got married in May of 2014, and immediately started trying to conceive. I didn't change anything about my lifestyle, we just went into it saying "if it happens, it happens!". How I wish I could go back to those days of hopeful, naive, bliss. Turns out, things didn't "just happen" for us. After more than a year of many failed attempts and even more negative pregnancy tests, we turned to a specialist.
I am extremely lucky to have a coworker who is very outspoken about their own infertility issues. Through him and his wife, we found a great doctor! They currently have 2 precious little girls through IVF. We went in with high hopes. Through much poking and prodding, we had the diagnosis: PCOS. Turns out I have MANY (almost double the usual) follicles, but none which are maturing and releasing an egg. The good news: my husband has an unusually high number of sperm, all of which are highly mobile.
Current Treatment: IUI
Started out taking clomid (orally) during the beginning of my cycle. Follicles were maturing nicely, and on 12/16/15, I administered (very nervously) the trigger shot. A couple days later, I went in for my IUI. The doctor was EXTREMELY happy with my husband's sperm sample: nearly 81 MILLION (10 million is a good sample according to him) sperm to work with.
It was absolutely amazing to be able to see the sperm injected into my uterus. My (hopefully) future child(ren) was/were about to be created, and I saw it!! Little did I know, I hadn't even BEGUN to go through the hard part.
The waiting, waiting, waiting ,waiting...:
My husband and I have been acting like I'm already pregnant, even though we aren't sure yet. No fish, sushi, alcohol, and minimal caffeine (coffee addict). The worst thing about this is, a negative result (or a big fat negative, BFN, as the infertility community refers to it), is going to make my world coming crashing down. I'm trying to stay grounded - hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.
Today is 12dpIUI (12 days post IUI). I've been obsessing over blogposts and forums where women have posted their postive (BFP) test results after only 11 or 12dpIUI. I couldn't take the waiting any longer, so I took a HPT (home preg test) this morning. BFN. Disappointing, but not the end of the world. My beta blood test is scheduled for Monday, Jan 4th, and there is a reason - many HPTs cannot pick up the level of preg hormones this soon. So I'm still staying optimistic, but prepared for a negative result now.
I will be devastated with a (now expected) negative result on Monday, but I have to keep in mind that this is only my FIRST IUI. Many women have had 2 or 3 failures. I can't get discouraged after only one. And maybe we're due a couple of failures. Maybe it's not supposed to be a "one and done" for us. But, God willing, I hope, pray, that it is.
It's in your hands now, God. We will get through this. We will be successful in one way or another. Just have to keep plugging along.
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